THE WINDSOCK OF DOOM..........or a guide to making your bandmates puke while riding in the tour van..........

The photo above is yet another step back in time for me........that's a band i played in back in the days when i had hair..........hair that wasn't growing on my knuckles or my back..........pre-bald gorilla days if you will..........at any rate, that's MARY JANE JONES..........the other fine fellows in the band are Dave Newhall who played bass, Rob Bernier who played guitar, and his brother Todd Bernier who also played guitar.........

Tonight i wanna talk about Todd.........specifically his behavior on the road.........now Todd or "Tippy" as we called him had standards that were a bit different from most folks......let's just say he was comfortable letting his hygiene go way past the point that most reasonable human beings would be sprinting for the shower......and a manicure.......and a sandblaster........

Try going on the road for weeks on end with someone like that...........i triple fucking dawg dare you............my apologies for the breech of dare etiquette........

There was one long trip MJJ took out to the midwest and back........it was a happy time.......we played a record label showcase and gots lots of interest from the VIRGIN records A&R guy............on the trip back Tippy struck.......it was the coup de grace.......we had been practically living out of a van for 2 weeks........Tippy had not changed his underwear or socks ONCE during that entire time span........and it was summer time too..........whilst driving through the OZARK mountains, Tippy took one of his socks off........and okay that was bad.........but what he proceeded to do next will be ingrained in my olfactory nerves for eternity..........he........he.........he........

excuse me for a second........i can hardly bring myself to commit these words to blogdom.............*sniffle*...........

he opened up the side window on the van..........then he proceeded to lift this sock........which for all intents and purposes was a living eco-system of funk......as the sock began to take wind, it became the putrid death wind sock of the apocalypse............the stench of two weeks of foot funk permeated every last molecule of air in the van............

we had to pull over...............

now i've been scared before.......but i have never felt like i was standing at the edge and staring over it into the abyss........until i smelled "the wind sock of doom"..........i hope to never endure such torture again.........

at least it was a rental van............and thank Almighty Jesus.......he used his sock instead of his drawers...........



Rock it like you've lived well..........enjoy your memories......even the stinky ones..........

Stak

JINGLE WHAT!?!?!..........JINGLE WHAT!?!?!?.....jingle all the where?!?!?..........

Okay.............so my internets name has been dragged into the media spotlight by the local free weekly paper based upon a debate i was involved in on a local bar's message board........the issue at hand was the selection process for 12 BANDS OF CHRISTMAS which is a wildly popular Augusta charity recording and concert for the Children's Medical Center here...........i was beaten down at every turn during said debate even while i espoused views that i know for a FACT many other local musicians share..........they are afraid to speak them aloud...........and i just can't figure out who's getting the beat down in this article.......it seems to be written with an agenda.........but i can't prove that............it could be that it has simply succeeded in making me look small...........i'm not sure about that.........it CERTAINLY does not contain many key points that were brought up over the course of a few weeks of argument............you can read the article for yourself..........for now, i reserve further comment...........until the dust settles.........messages have been sent to the pertinent parties by myself and i need to wait a bit for their responses............but it's coming...........and hey GATDAMMIT, i'm blogging again..........


And heeeeeeere's the link!!!

Damn..........i've become famous for being a befouler of sacred lambs........COOL!..........

Stak

ME AND TRIXIE FORWARD DRUNK POST MACH DEUCE........dysfunctional superhero draft.........

Heh.......my favorite line from SPACEGHOST COAST TO COAST.........courtesy of ZORAK........"that nanny needs a lozenge".......that said, me and Trix have decided to post a dysfunctional superhero draft..........if you were gonna have a fucked up superhero team, who would you have?...............pick number one goes to me because i rule here...........feel free to post your draft picks in the comments section.......wait for at least one additional comment before posting your next pick........and i guarantee you my retard superheroes will out fuck up yours........

With the 1st pick of the dysfunctional superhero draft, i pick ..........

SPACEGHOST.........Trixie's on the clock.......tick tick tick.........

I'm goin' with SWAMP THING one of the greatest movies of the 80's, first off if you chop anything off it grows back! Lorraina Bobbitt do your worst. Then the hideous lovable guy always touches me in that special place...uhh Brian you're the 1st.

Uhhhhh.......riiiiggghhhht,Trix............for my next pick, imma have to take THE TICK...........so far i've countered your regenerative unit with 2 brutish retards......plus THE TICK comes with a side kick who's a pussy...........dysfunctionally, you're super retard team's ass is grass......plus, SPACEGHOST likes GINO VINELLI..........extra points for me for my team's shit taste in music...........heh...........your pick,virgin...........

Okay this one's personal. WONDER WOMAN. I loved WONDER WOMAN when I was a kid cause everyone knows that when you play WONDER WOMAN you spin around to change from Linda Carter into WONDER WOMAN. I really loved spinning around untill I was too dizzy to stand up. It looks like both Linda & I grew out of spinning & took on heavy drinking. I still feel like WONDER WOMAN when I'm too dizzy to stand up......... for Stak's sake.

Stak's on the clock.....tick tick tick...........

Okay, you've clearly upped the ante,bitch........that WONDER WOMAN pick was straight up a groin shot, being as she's not really all that dysfunctional....except for the fact that Linda Carter is equal to you in the drunk department...........so i've gotta play smart here.......for my next retarded dysfunctional super hero team pick, i select....................tick tick tick........wait for it.........

THE BURGER KING!!!............that's right bitches!!!........i totally saw this badass murder RONALD MCDONALD...........the blood was straight ketchup..........top THAT...............this time, if you're gonna pick a chick, make it a drunk slut like LINDSAY LOHAN...............the clock is now ticking for Trixie..........tick tick tick.........

Alright, this one's for Troma, I was gonna go for the obvious Toxic Avenger. Since he's really a goodie goodie at heart & the only dysfunctional thing is that he works for Troma it doesn't really count. So, my pick to show my love for the Troma is
SGT. KABUKI MAN NYPD. Rough around the edges and kicks ass in a dress, yep its Harry whatshisname for me.

Aiight.........Aiiight.......that pick only strengthens your team.......but i got a counter for your shits............imma have to take TRASH GORDON from SESAME STREET fame.........he would be the only motherfucker on my team with the sense to take the pebble out of his shoe on the planet of retards with pebbles in their shoes.....plus he knows how to pick up the phone when it's ringing.......top THAT bitch!!!!............my team is done........the rest is up to you......

The clock is now ticking for Trixie........look for a blockbuster trade offer from Rhian any moment now..........

I WANTED TRASH!!!!!!!! I WANTED TRASH!!!!!!!!! SUPER GROVER WOULD CRASH INTO YOUR TRASH GORDON THEN GIVE HIS BROKEN DOWN ASS A PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY SANDWHICH!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that I've finished my hissyfit, counted back from ten & taken a deep breath........ THUNDAR THE BARBARIAN is my next pick, that shit about SUPER GROVER was just to make a point, an angry point. THUNDAR THE BARBARIAN is the blue print for HE-MAN. He also took direction from HAN SOLO with his non-vocalizing animalistic side-kick. I'll give a nickel to anyone who remembers that guys name. THUNDAR fought foes beyond his time does anyone know was that the past or the future? Did the Moon crash into the Earth or something? Anyway ripped thighs & a mighty big sword & a pet who can watch your back. What else needs to be said?


Well fuck...........there you have it..........two of the most retarded superhero teams in the history of retardation.........and i think it might be our best drunk collaboration in the history of retards posting on the internets...........can your stupid hero teams top ours?..........i fucking strongly doubt it,bitches.........but bring it if you got the guts...........the retard hero league of fucked-uppedness will begin competition this fall to coincide with the start of the NFL season(that's for those of you with a decided lack of interest in the greatest game conceived by man).........who know's........maybe we can sell the rights to ESPN..............

give us your picks............

Stak