THE WINDSOCK OF DOOM..........or a guide to making your bandmates puke while riding in the tour van..........

The photo above is yet another step back in time for me........that's a band i played in back in the days when i had hair..........hair that wasn't growing on my knuckles or my back..........pre-bald gorilla days if you will..........at any rate, that's MARY JANE JONES..........the other fine fellows in the band are Dave Newhall who played bass, Rob Bernier who played guitar, and his brother Todd Bernier who also played guitar.........

Tonight i wanna talk about Todd.........specifically his behavior on the road.........now Todd or "Tippy" as we called him had standards that were a bit different from most folks......let's just say he was comfortable letting his hygiene go way past the point that most reasonable human beings would be sprinting for the shower......and a manicure.......and a sandblaster........

Try going on the road for weeks on end with someone like that...........i triple fucking dawg dare you............my apologies for the breech of dare etiquette........

There was one long trip MJJ took out to the midwest and back........it was a happy time.......we played a record label showcase and gots lots of interest from the VIRGIN records A&R guy............on the trip back Tippy struck.......it was the coup de grace.......we had been practically living out of a van for 2 weeks........Tippy had not changed his underwear or socks ONCE during that entire time span........and it was summer time too..........whilst driving through the OZARK mountains, Tippy took one of his socks off........and okay that was bad.........but what he proceeded to do next will be ingrained in my olfactory nerves for eternity..........he........he.........he........

excuse me for a second........i can hardly bring myself to commit these words to blogdom.............*sniffle*...........

he opened up the side window on the van..........then he proceeded to lift this sock........which for all intents and purposes was a living eco-system of funk......as the sock began to take wind, it became the putrid death wind sock of the apocalypse............the stench of two weeks of foot funk permeated every last molecule of air in the van............

we had to pull over...............

now i've been scared before.......but i have never felt like i was standing at the edge and staring over it into the abyss........until i smelled "the wind sock of doom"..........i hope to never endure such torture again.........

at least it was a rental van............and thank Almighty Jesus.......he used his sock instead of his drawers...........



Rock it like you've lived well..........enjoy your memories......even the stinky ones..........

Stak

TWO TIDBITS.............found wordplay for the Poetry Train.......

Blurb #1

She smelled like nicotine
Stained fingers
Stained teeth
Stained soul


Blurb #2

Your words caress my teeth
I crunch them in my mouth
The syllables are sweet
The curses they are foul


Stak

THIS IS A MIGHTY MIGHTY JERSEY......this 8 will eat you...........*snicker*

I saw this over at With Leather and just had to share it here.......prepare for hilarity because this guy is clearly living in Loo Loo Land.......beware anyone you see wearing a Detroit Lions jersey on the street.......clearly, they are mighty and will smite you with the number 8...........i'm a hopeless Atlanta Falcons fan, but i'm not nearly as deluded as this wingnut......i would never post vids on Youtube proclaiming Mike Vick as a "Touchdown Assasin".........which is worse, a D&D obsessed geekazoid or a Detroit Lions fan?........well, this guy is obviously both.........have a good laugh,folks.........it's on this idiot.......

Rock it like a fan with some sense......wait for your team to put together a winning season before you go around warning the entire NFL of your teams dominance.....sheesh......

Stak

THRASHER'S GROCERY............an account of a trip into Normaltown,GA..............

The irony of the name given to Normaltown(a small suburban section of Athens,Georgia) is not lost on me...............i have the experience to prove it.........and it's one fucking weird experience...........i cherish it to this day...........

Back in the early 90's, i was actively pursuing music with the intent of conquering the world(news at 11, that shit aint never gonna happen).........i was living in Augusta back then.........however, i had joined a band of Augusta expatriates living in Athens called DEBT OF NATURE.........an extremely psychedelic band, DON was given to partaking in the sorts of substances a band of that nature got all giddy over and what not...........long story short..........after a full night of reveling in the majesty of weirdo music on the stereo(i'm sure DINOSAUR JR's album YOU'RE LIVING ALL OVER ME and a viewing of PINK FLOYD live at Pompei were involved) we decided to visit THRASHER'S GROCERY in Normaltown...........it was 7am at this point and breakfast was in order.........and as i was informed, THRASHER'S served a mean biscuit............

This supposed grocery was set in the middle of a neighborhood of shotgun houses, rundown and with multiple broken down cars and trucks a requirement on the lawns.......as we walked in, i noticed a kid sitting on the porch of the neighboring house.........he was a dead ringer for the banjo playing mongoloid in DELIVERANCE..........stepping into this place, i realized it was a grocery store in name only...........the shelves were lined with industrial sized jars of mustard and pickles...........not much else...........but there was a glass meat counter.........behind the counter, was a woman with no teeth and a mole the size of Alaska with a hair the length of the Alaskan pipeline jutting jauntily from said mole.........keep in mind,i'm completely fucked up here on powerful psychedelics.........i thought i'd stepped into an alternate universe.........this woman took our orders for bacon,egg and cheese biscuits........she passed the orders through a window to the kitchen to a hairless lady with an equal tooth deficit.......they passed out the biscuits through the window of toothless ladies........the biscuits were the size of dinner plates and delicious..........

The kicker came when the DELIVERANCE kid came in from next door...........he walked up the meat counter(this is 7:30am mind you)..........he had a paper grocery sack in his hands..........he promptly states to the mole lady..........."pounda lard"........she regards him briefly, recahes into the meatcase and pulls out a white chunk of animal fat and replies........."pounda lard".........she reaches over the meatcase and drops the animal fat into the sack........transaction completed, DELIVERANCE boy walks out of the "grocery"...........

My mind=completely fucked............

That a was fun experience...........i enjoyed the biscuit.........

Rock it like you can appreciate the odd...........eat the whole fucking gigantic biscuit.......

Stak

SERIOUSLY BATSHIT..........a dispatch from "The Prophet".........i'm not making this up.........

I went to visit the "I wanna be a prophet of God, like Moses" guy today...........i left with a letter for your edification...........The Prophet asks for your prayers so he can achieve his goal............AND i quote............

"Jehovah is great, and the laws of Jehovah must be enforce. I encourage teh theocratic government of Israel to enforce these laws. As the prophet of the nation of Israel I ask for your support. As the prophet of the nation of Israel I thank you for your support. As the prophet of the nation of Israel I want your support. Call xxx xxx-xxxx for more information."



Please send this guy some honeybuns............preferably unwrapped so he can offer them up in sacrifice to Jehovah............

I LOVE MY JOB.....................

Stak

RUNNING WITH WHAT EXACTLY???????????........

Has anyone seen this movie?.................i understand mental illness..........but i was struck by the mom character played by Annette Benning in this movie.........the character is a classic example of Borderline Personality Disorder..........in laymen's terms it's more succinctly put by the term "Drama Queen"............Borderline folks irritate the shit out of me............they are overwhelmingly women............and they were more than likely made to be the way they are by their own mothers...........i hate that shit..............

i would like an objective take on this particular joint by some other folks............especially those who've read the book upon which this film is based...........because i'm guessing the book was a sincere attempt at a memoir...........and i'm guessing the movie rendition has retarded the original artistic statement considerably..........just my gut feeling...........

Stak

SO I VISITED THE MOSES GUY AGAIN..........honey bun of the weird........

I dropped in on the "i wanna be a prophet of God,like Moses" guy again on friday........on the floor there sat a Nike shoebox with a unopened honey bun on top of it.........i asked why he had a honeybun sitting on a shoebox........he said "i'm sacrificing that honey bun to Jehovah".........he went on to say "i wanna be a prophet of God" and i said "like Moses"........as i was getting ready to leave, i asked him if he had eaten lunch yet.......he replied "not yet, i'm bout to eat that honey bun,though"..........

Rock it like a prophet.........eat the sacrifices........

Stak


Addendum: Rhi is having some sort of poetry monday thing and i thought i might share a little something.........so be prepared to have your soul racked with pain as a result of reading my sublimely shitty verses..........heh heh....

WELCOME BACK TO REALLY WEIRD..........i gotta new job..........

As some of you may know, i work with the mentally ill..........for the past 3 and a half years or so, i've been working with children.....mentally ill children are one thing.........ADULTS with mental illness are a whole 'nother circus.......on my new job i'm working with adults........i would suppose there are few fields of work more colorful.......

Today,i went around to meet some of the patients i'll be working with........myself and my team leader visited their homes.........i knew i was in for a ride when we pulled up to the door of the first patient's apartment in the projects........a sign on the door boldly proclaimed "DISCIPLE OF MOSES"........i thought to myself "Holy shit!!! This is the projects!! I could get shot!! Where do they keep the crack and marijuana? Where are all the crack hos i've heard so much about? I wonder if I could get a gat here on the down low and cheap. Nice sign".........over the course of an hour long visit, this patient proclaimed "I wanna be a prophet of God,like Moses" approximately 647 times(it was his pat response to every question we posed).........it got to the point that i was finishing his catch phrase for him.........he would say "I wanna be a prophet of God" and i would butt in "like Moses"..........it was fun..........i don't think he liked me stealing his thunder like that........he asked me to read a Bible verse.......i politely declined stating that it was my personal policy never to mix business and fiction....he looked at me quizzically and said "I wanna be a prophet of God".........i finished his catch phrase for him.........

The next patient proclaimed that the reason she always has unsafe sex is because rubbers dry her out down there.........she's almost 60 years old.......and a grandma to boot....i didn't wanna hear about that stuff.......imagine your grandma showing up at the health department to get some treatment for a wicked case of the clap........i know,right..........

At the final visit of the day, the patient told me i look like a Greek God......i knew he was bullshitting..........i only look like that on GOOD days.........



Rock it like your job will never be boring.......be kind to the beloved lunatics in your life..........

Stak

BIG HAIRY DREAM........or how i met a werewolf at age 6..........

This is a recollection of the thoughts of my mind at age 6........i cannot attest to the accuracy of said thoughts.........i only know that this freaking weird episode made a big impression on me and that the memory of these events has not left me all the way up until now...........having said that, you are all aware i'm sure how time colors memory.............but i swear that the basic story is true to actual events........details are another matter...........on with the story.......

When i was 6, it might be said that i had a fascination with classic horror films......i spent many weekend nights sitting up with my Grandma Lou(short for Louise) watching SHOCK THEATER or THE NIGHT STALKER...........for me, that shit was the height of entertainment......it moved me...........

One summer night that year i had a dream.........in the dream, i was at school, but it was night outside.......this made some sense to my first grade mind as schools at the time were so over-crowded locally that kids went to school in split shifts.........there were times when i it was getting dark outside when i got off the bus..........but i digress.......the point is i was out of school but out of place in a way(psycho-analyse me later)......i looked out the window and saw a white van.......the back doors opened and a werewolf waved to me........i was not afraid.....he seemed friendly and made me think of my dad

One point you must understand here is that fact that my mom and dad were divorced by now and i saw him on the occasional weekend..........i think i may have missed him alot..........

The werewolf from the white van waved for a bit then got back into the van and drove away............this is where things grow super fucking weird..........

I woke up..........but i wasn't in my own bed........i had sleep walked and was now in the bed with my sister(cool your fucking jets perverts.......6 years old,sickos)....i was a little confused for a moment and freaked out by the dream........as i pondered getting up and going back to my own bed, a very muscled and extremely hairy arm reached across my chest and began to shake me as if to wake me up...........this scared the shit out of me(especially after the dream)........so i played dead...........for a full five minutes the scary,hairy arm(i assume attached to the werewolf)tried to shake me awake..........i did not want to die so i waited it out.............after awhile, the scary,hairy entity left.........i got out of bed and snuck to the window only to see a white van driving away........

Completely freaked out, i ran to my mother's bed and asked whether someone had been out of bed besides me or had tried to wake me from my sister's bed........she said no...........

Years later, i came to live with my father.........at that time,he drove a white Ford Econoline..........

Make of this what you will...........

Stak

THE BEAST WITHIN.........or Christ my job gets weird sometimes.......

I work in a mental health clinic..........i may have mentioned that previously or not........working in a mental health seems to affect my memory.........well, either that or the herculean amounts of beer i consume...........anyway, it's a children's clinic..........most of the kids i see are simple cases of ADHD........a small percentage have more serious problems........and an even smaller percentage think that all the other kids in their neighborhood can hear their thoughts and know the size of their poops............but those are the psychotic kids, and you can't make light of their problems in good conscience................some monsters are MADE(and they LIKE IT!!!)............the ones with borderline personality traits...........you meet one of these, you won't forget it..........histrionic,attention-seeking,whorish,manipulative, and completely self-centered, they are either extremely amusing to be around........or an utter pain in the ass............they are not happy unless they are the middle of swirling cloud of over-hyped drama...........

But you wanna know who's really out of their collective tree?..............their parents............some of the more weird kids definitely come by it honest............these gooney bird parents have molded their kids with their lunacy...............

Case in point.....................i have a nutty borderline parent who married a guy more than half her age.........this guy is some kind of goth-geek mixture..........black trench coat,molester mustache,spiked mullet,pizza face,beady eyes,black cowboy boots,bondage pants.........you get the picture..............at any rate, i recently had this crazy lady tell me the following....and i quote...........

"My husband has this disorder that causes him to go into fits of rage....and when he's in one of his rages he claws at people and growls and barks like a dog..........and another thing, when he's in one of his rages he craves blood".................she said it to me with a straight face..............and i struggled mightily to maintain a straight face...........apparently, this couple enjoys vampire porn in their intimate moments...............where does one find vampire porn?..........for pete's sake, i didn't know such a thing existed.........

Rock it like you've got some sense..............don't suck................

Stak