I was inspired to share this story after reading
Mist's most recent post about an encounter with a very fuzzy,yet unwanted guest at Thanksgiving dinner....credit where credit's due......her blog is the funniest i've read so far.....and worth a look.......
Lemme say upfront that i LOVE animals......all sorts of animals....even the occasional kingsnake i have to help across my dirt road...BUT there is one exception..........SQUIRRELS.........i DESPISE squirrels........i consider them mortal enemies.......they bark at me from the trees every day as i walk to the car.....our hatred seemingly mutual.....if every squirrel on earth dropped dead tomorrow, i'd probably have a party complete with grilled squirrel and squirrel gut fondue.........like THE WENDIGO, i'd savor the squirrel flesh as i absorbed their power.......i'd lick my fingers and ask for thirds.........haha......."you're all dead now, you fucking tree rats" i'd shout at the empty trees in the woods......it'd be grand.......
But i digress..........why such an unhealty hatred for such cute,fuzzy and relatively innocuous creatures,you ask........well imma tell you why........
about six years ago, a baby squirrel fell from it's nest in my front yard.......it was helpless and surely on death's door, it's eyes never to have opened.......being the ANIMAL LOVER that i am, i took it in.......i spent countless hours first researching how to care for this little furball, then caring for it.....i nursed it to health and encouraged its growth.......it was just so damned cute.........
as he grew, he became quite playful.......we would let him out of his cage and he would jump across the room from my son's shoulder to mine.....it was endearing really......we would give him Andes mints, which he seemed to love.......it was so cool because the mints looked like squirrel sized candy bars.....he would hold the mints in his front paws and nibble away........
somewhere along the way, our relationship began to turn dark......he became demanding....barking at us when we had no Andes mints to give him.....worrying relentlessly first one, then the other family member in turn......the squirrel's chocolate habit was becoming a pain in the ass(i'm engaging in creative hyperbole here, this is however a true story.....mostly)......there were never enough mints for this rodent, his bucktoothed mug be-smudged with chocolate.........
the barking progressed..........and turned to teeth chattering........which rapidly turned to biting.......the little bastard eventually bit everybody in the house.......and if you can just imagine, a squirrel bite hurts like a motherf(shut yo mouth).........it's essentially four teeth meeting the middle.....squirrel teeth will cut right through fingernails.......a hot knife through butter........the fact that this little terror would warn you that you were about to bitten by chattering his teeth made it even scarier.......
so i'd had enough of this ingrate.........i take you in and care for you......rescue you from certain death and you repay me with puncture wounds......you little bastard.........
the decision was made to cut the chocolate junkie squirrel loose.........so i set his cage on the porch with the cage door ajar one evening......the next morning he was gone........WHEW!! i thought......my Andes mint bill will go way down now.......i went to work that morning happy.......problem solved,right?.........not so fast......
the satanic squirrel had other ideas.........and one mean jones for chocolate......the next morning, i was the last one to leave the house......i opened the front door to find the little demon sitting in the middle of the porch, barking at me vigorously......before i could get "oh shit" out of my mouth, he was on my shoulder......teeth chattering.......in a panic i grabbed the squirrel......he bit me repeatedly as i tried to throw him from my shoulder.......i'm not afraid to admit i screamed like a little girl......the squirrel from hell was not only haunting me......he was trying to eat me as well......
once on the ground, the squirrel calmly hopped into his cage as though he'd never left......the fucker........
i drove to work bleeding pretty heavily from both hands that morning.......i was afraid to try to go back in the house risking a second attack.......now i'm not the most manly man in the world, but i'm no girle man either.........regardless, here i am afraid of a squirrel.......that's some crazy shit.......
that evening, i dropped the squirrel off in a cemetary cage and all........luckily, it never found its way home.........
and that my friends is why i despise SQUIRRELS.............
Rock it like you're trying to commit murder........
Stak
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