BLOG AS THERAPY...........take a deep breath and grab the tissues folks, this one's gonna be bumpy........

Let me first start by saying that this post is in no way intended to illicit sympathy.........don't feel sorry for me because i don't want or need that.........however, i make no attempt to hide the fact that my life is an open book......and there are thorns among the pretty flowers.......

Secondly, i must add that after a bottom line assessment, things could hardly be better........i enjoy the love and companionship of a wonderful girl........i have a career that is the envy of my friends.........i have a beautiful new son(although his football prognostication is for shit.......either that or i suck at interpreting baby-speak)..........i have a beautiful teenage son..........i have family that is SOLID.........Bpops is there for me, and that puts a rod in my spine........i play with glee every chance i get........and that is more than most adults i know........

All that said, i hit the wall today.........this requires some confessional history, so bear with me...........

I graduated nursing school in 2001.........it was a glorious occasion........it felt like i had achieved legitimacy in so many respects......as president of the class, i gave a powerful speech at the pinning ceremony.........it was one of the highest points in my life.........that quickly changed.......

3 days later, my sister was dead..........struggling with a disease i could not understand,even with years and years of experience as a mental health professional, i couldn't understand.........she took her own life in a strange motel room miles away from home.......she had been recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder........an evil bitch of a disease up to evil fuckery most foul.......i love her intensely and miss her..........she left behind not only me, but a father and a mother,grandparents and her own beautiful children..........there are 3 of them........they are now being raised by another woman they call mom.........they were very young when that world changed for them.......a great good friend of mine played "Let It Be" at the funeral......it was no comfort whatsoever........

Yesterday at work, one of the drug reps brought in a movie made by the Eli Lilly Co........i saw my sister reflected in that film.......and her memory has been sitting on my chest since then........at least more heavily than usual........i was unable to go to work today.........because missing her has me pinned to the mat.........

To Cary,

i miss you so much.........you were better than you ever knew.......i was proud of you.........i love you...........and yet, you have me so pissed off........you have hurt so many people.........people who love you.......and while i'm sure that was not your intention, i wish you were here so i could scream at you how much i love you and how be-fucked that selfish act was.........and then take you into my arms and comfort you........everything would've been alright.....but i know you couldn't see that........so here's hoping you're better.........and i'll see you in due time.........

Your Brother,
Brian

P.S. you'd be brimming over with pride to see your children right now.......they are beautiful,bright and achieving........They are a piece of you on earth......and they shine........