WELCOME BACK TO REALLY WEIRD..........i gotta new job..........

As some of you may know, i work with the mentally ill..........for the past 3 and a half years or so, i've been working with children.....mentally ill children are one thing.........ADULTS with mental illness are a whole 'nother circus.......on my new job i'm working with adults........i would suppose there are few fields of work more colorful.......

Today,i went around to meet some of the patients i'll be working with........myself and my team leader visited their homes.........i knew i was in for a ride when we pulled up to the door of the first patient's apartment in the projects........a sign on the door boldly proclaimed "DISCIPLE OF MOSES"........i thought to myself "Holy shit!!! This is the projects!! I could get shot!! Where do they keep the crack and marijuana? Where are all the crack hos i've heard so much about? I wonder if I could get a gat here on the down low and cheap. Nice sign".........over the course of an hour long visit, this patient proclaimed "I wanna be a prophet of God,like Moses" approximately 647 times(it was his pat response to every question we posed).........it got to the point that i was finishing his catch phrase for him.........he would say "I wanna be a prophet of God" and i would butt in "like Moses"..........it was fun..........i don't think he liked me stealing his thunder like that........he asked me to read a Bible verse.......i politely declined stating that it was my personal policy never to mix business and fiction....he looked at me quizzically and said "I wanna be a prophet of God".........i finished his catch phrase for him.........

The next patient proclaimed that the reason she always has unsafe sex is because rubbers dry her out down there.........she's almost 60 years old.......and a grandma to boot....i didn't wanna hear about that stuff.......imagine your grandma showing up at the health department to get some treatment for a wicked case of the clap........i know,right..........

At the final visit of the day, the patient told me i look like a Greek God......i knew he was bullshitting..........i only look like that on GOOD days.........



Rock it like your job will never be boring.......be kind to the beloved lunatics in your life..........

Stak

NO TITLE NECESSARY............commentary either.........

PEEWEE............and no this post has NOTHING to do with a penis......

I love football.......almost to the point of fanaticism......oh hell, i AM a fanatic actually........in the off-season, i long for pre-season.......i pay attention to all the off-season moves and speculate which team will draft which player.......i play fantasy football during the regular season......and i faithfully hitch my hopes to the one-wheeled wagon that is THE ATLANTA FALCONS.........yep, imma fanatic......

I think the reason i love football so much is the oppurtunity to live vicariously through the players, experience their triumphs and failures if you will......i played the game once upon a time....and NFL and college ball helps me relive my days playing rec. league and junior high ball.......

Sadly, i never once had the oppurtunity to play on a winning team......every team i played on was the rebirth(or afterbirth maybe) of the Bad News Bears,only they were football teams instead of baseball teams..........i excelled to a point within these failed organizations......but as they say "there is no I in team"......i was hampered by the fact that i was never a very big guy also......

I remember when i played on my first team at 6 or 7.......we were THE BULLDOGS.......but as poorly coached as we were, it would've made more sense to call us THE BULLSHIT........my family was poor at the time, so instead of cleats, i had to wear my regular tennis shoes...they were Payless specials or "catheads" as everyone called them.........not even real Chuck Taylors..........and they always flew off when i ran............our stupid coaches had me running alot as i played half-back and returned kickoffs.........on the first play of the season as i ran back a kickoff, i was hit from two sides and upended.......my left shoe must've flown 30 feet..........i was mortified........i'm not sure if we won a single game that season.........

My skill and fearlessness had increased exponentially by the time i reached 7th grade......i played free safety(roverback)for TABOR JUNIOR HIGH in Warner Robins,GA.......and i was a starter........i think i missed 4 tackles all season.......but i made those tackles at the expense of my body.........at something around 5ft tall and less than 120lbs, i was not intimidating to opposing running backs......so instead of trying to evade my tackles, they ran straight at me.....it hurt...........but most of the time i made the tackle........even if the guy that just flattened me outweighed me by a hundred lbs.........

The following season, i turned around at the door of the gym on the day of football tryouts......not too long after that i picked up drums.......now I'M the one doing the brutalizing..........

And i've gotten great pleasure out of watching the exploits of others on the field........NFL and college to be sure.......but most notably my son, who has enjoyed success on his rec. league football teams..........

Rock it like a FALCONS fan........NEVER give up on the ones you love.........

Stak

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL MY PEEPS!!.........or to quote Paris Hilton, "That's hot".......

The sex faces on the bunnies made me giggle............


Rock it like you're a marshmallow pornographer........sex your peeps.......

Stak

I COULD USE A SHOUT OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.........

while things seem to be going well, i'm feeling low...............


can i get a shout out?...............


i need it....................



i really really need it............

Stak

SHEER MOVIE-GOING PLEASURE............gore,violence and sex make me giddy.......

ONCE AGAIN,I'M SHOWING MY ASS..........what's new,right?.......

it has cake on it at least..............actually, that's a Napolean(i know, appropriate) from Sunshine Bakery..........tasty stuff........of course, i threw it out and drank a beer instead.........no ass confections for me............anyway, this is for you,Rhi........you wretch..........

*hanging my head.........it's only a short jump from here to internet porn*

Stak

TATTOOED NATION.........a contest..........

I've been thinking...........in this time of transition, i want something to commemorate the change........i have some tattoos........they are all strictly black work..........i want more(because everyone knows tattoos are addictive).........Lord knows i've got to work hard with all the current musicians who all seem to have full sleeves and Hepatitis C..........gotta keep up with the Jonses after all.........

So here's what i'm proposing..........design my next tattoo.......i know at least 2 of my 3 regular readers are graphic artists(I may need your help,Rhi to get the word out if i want more than two entries).......i will wear the winner's entry on my body for the rest of my life........in return, they win a JOE GRAVES AND THE DIRTY LEFT HAND cd,T-shirt,button and sticker.......additionally, they will receive a reserved copy of the next DIRTY LEFT HAND cd scheduled to drop any time now and a reserved copy of the AMERICAN SKIN cd scheduled to drop at the end of this month......that's a helluva prize package.......

Thematically, i'm thinking a Phoenix rising sorta deal.........strictly black work.......approximately 4 by 4 inches to handily fit on my right deltoid..........

Let's see whatcha got friends!...........

Rock it like you want new ink......beg for good art because you aint about to put any old template from the tattoo parlor on your body..........

Stak

R.I.P. CAPTAIN AMERICA............

OYSTER ROAST..........or how my son became the world champion of vomit........

Rock it like you're eatin' em raw.......only try not to gag.........

Stak

CONTINUUM..........the evolution........or a short account of an attack.....

Unable to sleep, i stepped out onto the front deck........i noticed how cool and clear the air was, wishing momentarily for a jacket, but too lazy to go back inside to retrieve it.......i made a quick inventory of my surroundings......the large moths splayed out against the side of the house beneath the porch light........the bat making wide arcs around the utility light in the yard....the emergence of the spiders in the cool march night(around here they nearly envelope the house in silk this time of year)......i have to brush away errant web from my face.....a pair of nightengales calling to each other through the woods........the halo around the moon.........

I lit a cigarette and tried to think.......many things on my mind that were keeping me from sleep.........dangling in front of me and cluttering up the works to ward off my fatigue.......my life was on the edge of great change.......a new job awaited in the wings.........and with it, a great many worries.........a great many things that could go wrong.........i was leaving behind the known and taking on new challenges........i was in no small amount of fear.........and no small amount of excitement..........this all added up to lots of anxious energy............and i could not lie still in bed.....so nicotine was in order.......

I pulled from the cigarette and felt a shiver rise up my spine like a virus......i noticed the air go still..........the nightengales went silent..........i looked up and the bat was no longer dive-bombing insects under the utility light......the moths were gone from beneath the porch lamp............

It was upon me in an instant.........before i realized the full weight of the beast, i was on the way to the floor of the deck,off balance.........it seemed a tornado of fur,fangs and claws.....a violence(as violence can so often seem)so sudden as to defy written description.........the air left my lungs as i hit the deck, the creature(dog,wolf,bear,pyschopath...i dunno) tore at my back.......i was now being savaged........white hot pain shot through my back and i was briefly aware of warm moisture running down my right side as flesh was ripped from my back above my shoulder blade......the growls drove me to panic as consciousness faded away to a pinpoint.........i remember thinking how heavy upon my back the weight of the attacker seemed and how fast it took me down..........it had cleared the railing of the deck without a sound.......and that was a good 16 foot vertical leap.......i thought........."the NBA could use this fucker".........and i was out..........

I awoke covered in the morning damp.....and loads of spiderweb.....my dog Mudd licking my face...........and despite the damage that should've been done to my body, i felt strong and good.........there was dried blood all about.........but all i could think about was going to Waffle House for a bloody steak dinner.........oh, i'd order the eggs to go with it of course...........but i was only gonna eat that steak...............


Rock it like you're posting your drafts.....mistakes be damned..........

Stak

IN KEEPING WITH THE THEME,WE'RE NOW SHAPESHIFTING.......or life in transition if you would........

I'm watching SOPHIA COPPELA'S MARIE ANTIONETTE tonight.........i have enjoyed to this point the juxtaposition of an 18th century period piece with 80's era underground music.....the SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES song HONG KONG GARDEN was especially tasty........

This all bodes well for me...........my past is mashing up with my present in delightful ways............i'm sure with far better outcomes than the be-headed cake eaters/wild eyed gambling pussy loving cocaine aristocrats..............

Here's what i know for sure.............

I've taken a new job............it has infinite possibilities for improvement of the organization as a whole...........it will benefit from my clinical experience.........it needs my desire to have at least one portion of my life organized on a seriously military level.............and it needs me to bring some joi de vivre................i'm bout to bring epic change.............and IT'S GONNA BE FUN!!!............

So let the loonies eat cake!!!!.........for now............because the stability of my expertise is about to bring them a balanced diet of red kool-aid.........we gonna rock on from this point...........with a seismic raise and a whole lotta love for my family...........btw.......HONG KONG GARDEN is based on 4ths thematically.........that's speaking in musical terms,yo............

Rock it like you're at peace.........Look to the swans.......

Stak

BIG HAIRY DREAM........or how i met a werewolf at age 6..........

This is a recollection of the thoughts of my mind at age 6........i cannot attest to the accuracy of said thoughts.........i only know that this freaking weird episode made a big impression on me and that the memory of these events has not left me all the way up until now...........having said that, you are all aware i'm sure how time colors memory.............but i swear that the basic story is true to actual events........details are another matter...........on with the story.......

When i was 6, it might be said that i had a fascination with classic horror films......i spent many weekend nights sitting up with my Grandma Lou(short for Louise) watching SHOCK THEATER or THE NIGHT STALKER...........for me, that shit was the height of entertainment......it moved me...........

One summer night that year i had a dream.........in the dream, i was at school, but it was night outside.......this made some sense to my first grade mind as schools at the time were so over-crowded locally that kids went to school in split shifts.........there were times when i it was getting dark outside when i got off the bus..........but i digress.......the point is i was out of school but out of place in a way(psycho-analyse me later)......i looked out the window and saw a white van.......the back doors opened and a werewolf waved to me........i was not afraid.....he seemed friendly and made me think of my dad

One point you must understand here is that fact that my mom and dad were divorced by now and i saw him on the occasional weekend..........i think i may have missed him alot..........

The werewolf from the white van waved for a bit then got back into the van and drove away............this is where things grow super fucking weird..........

I woke up..........but i wasn't in my own bed........i had sleep walked and was now in the bed with my sister(cool your fucking jets perverts.......6 years old,sickos)....i was a little confused for a moment and freaked out by the dream........as i pondered getting up and going back to my own bed, a very muscled and extremely hairy arm reached across my chest and began to shake me as if to wake me up...........this scared the shit out of me(especially after the dream)........so i played dead...........for a full five minutes the scary,hairy arm(i assume attached to the werewolf)tried to shake me awake..........i did not want to die so i waited it out.............after awhile, the scary,hairy entity left.........i got out of bed and snuck to the window only to see a white van driving away........

Completely freaked out, i ran to my mother's bed and asked whether someone had been out of bed besides me or had tried to wake me from my sister's bed........she said no...........

Years later, i came to live with my father.........at that time,he drove a white Ford Econoline..........

Make of this what you will...........

Stak

STEVE OVER AT THE SNEEZE REALLY OUTDID HIMSELF.........

Consider the cat orgasm............best post by Steve since "Steve,Don't Eat It".........




http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000627.php


Go......Read.......

Stak

OKAY THIS IS JUST FLAT OUT AMAZING!!!!.........

While this guy states he plays neither the drums nor the piano, clearly he has a pretty good bit of musical intelligence.......i mean he would need it to bed able to put these sounds together into a meaningful musical statement,right?..........and the tune itself is catchy as can be.........i can't imagine how much time it took to edit this all together........





Rock it like an amateur.......with glee and reckless abandon.......

Stak

HAHAHA!........I LIED.........but i hung out with a rock star last night too..........

So i put myself under too much pressure apparently.....because i just don't wanna do what i said i'd do........i don't wanna tell you bout any of the stories i said i'd tell you about........but hey, it's my blog and i'll lie if i want to....lie if i want to......lie if i want to.........

On a different note, i hung out with JASON ISBELL from THE DRIVE BY TRUCKERS last night..........very easy going,approachable cat.......and his southern accent is as thick in his speech as it is when he sings............nice guy...........

Right now i'm watching the remake of CASINO ROYALE............and i'm inclined to think it is the most kick ass bond flick EVER............

Tonight imma rock out with THE DIRTY LEFT HAND...............

I just got a kick ass new job that i wanted badly.............and it comes with a raise the size of Alaska.................unhunh...............I am officially kicking ass and taking names...............go me!!!............go nursing career!!!.........

Rock it like a rock star........live like me...........

Stak

IN THE MEANTIME..........here's a piece....of something,i dunno what........

perhaps a bit pixilated here............some pen and ink stream of consciousness abstract masturbation............

Stak

I PROMISE..........IMMA GET A ROUND TUIT........

OKAY OKAY OKAY!!!!...........i have reports forthcoming.........and some good stories..........but first i gotta get past Augusta's best empty excuse to get blind running drunk...........unfortunately, i'm required to entertain on this occasion........so i don't get to be as dumbass retarded drunk as everyone else in the city..........i am however excited by the fact that AMERICAN SKIN is required to play some irish drinking songs Saturday night.......so we're covering "Kiss me I'm shit-faced"............can't beat it with a blarney stone..........

My recollections of one incredible show at THE SOUL BAR(last sat. night) and our celebration of my betrothal(is that a word?) to Trixie.......and our vertigo filled trip to the mountains...........and maybe my early childhood werewolf encounter for Rhi............i got those on tap, I SWEAR IT!!...........but i've been too busy to write lately............so i'll catch you all up in short order...........hold on to your panties,Rhi.............

Rock it like you are either busy or the world's greatest procastinator.........put that shit off!!!!..........go get yourselves a taco in the meantime............

Stak

THE ON DECK CIRCLE...........or quite simply, the previews.........

So i'm about to go away from computers and people other than my wife and blogitis and all that implies...........so i thought i'd list for you what's on my plate upon my return from vacation..........

1. a quick run-down of the big redneck party at the lake..........hopefully with incriminating photos of various public figures.......

2. a report from R&R land....or me bragging about how much better my week was than yours........

3. the possible childhood werewolf encounter encased in a dream trilogy.........

4. a report of the big JOE GRAVES AND THE DIRTY LEFT HAND show at THE SOUL BAR next weekend........

5. the story of my journey into Normaltown........or "Deliverance on a Big Ass Biscuit" if you will........

Rock your coming week like you were me............you know you wish you were,puddin'.....

Stak

LOUIE LOUIE..........OH OH........WE GOTTA GO!!!!........

i'm going on vacation...............i need a break..........not a bathroom break.......a REAL break.......imma sit in a hot tub in the mountains........imma sit in a sauna..........imma watch satellite TV whilst pleasantly sedated by adult beverages............imma do "It" about 3 times a day........this MUST happen..........but first, imma have a great big redneck party.......see you all on the other side.................

Rock it like you're going on vacation...........feel the tension drifting away...........


Stak